Where Are My Emotions

"Xverna! Xverna, we are relocating," my little brother Ben said.

"Relocating?" I asked, my voice trembling slightly. "Why are we relocating? School is resuming very soon, and I've chosen the school to attend, in junior high. Why are we relocating?"

"I don't know." Ben shrugged, "But I heard that we're moving somewhere close to where Dad is taking his treatments." He laid on my bed.

"Where did you hear this?" I asked, my heart sinking.

"In the sitting room."

I stood up, a knot forming in my stomach. I walked down the stairs, passed through the kitchen and saw my mom, elder sister Vina and Theo, my elder brother, gathered in the sitting room.

"Mom, are we relocating?" My voice barely above a whispered.

"Where did you hear that?" Mom asked, with shock on her face.

"Just now, Ben told me."

"Why are we relocating? Can't we just stay?"

"No love, we can't," Mom said, as she looked away.

"But you told me to choose a school I would love to attend, from the list you gave me five days ago."

"Oh, child, come here. Sit close to me. I'm sorry about that, but I don't think we can stay anymore. You see, we have to take care of your dad, and to be able to do that, we need a good hospital for his treatments, ok?" She placed her hand on my face. "In order to do that, we have to move."

"But what about my friends? And the dancing competition I'm participating in, hmm?" I asked my mom, tears welled up in my eyes.

"Xverna, it's ok, all will be fine," Vina said, comforting me as she took my hands.

"Don't you want Dad to get well? To go back being fine in full health?" Theo said as he placed his hand on my head.

"Yes, I want him to be fine again, b..but....."

"But what? You will make new friends again when you get there."

"And the dance competition is over. Now go to your room. This is not to be discussed again. Go and arrange your things. Now leave, go to your room," Mom instructed me.

"Mom!" Vina exclaimed. "She is just a child. Don't be so angry at her. I know you are at your limit, but be gentle with her."

"How is she still a child? She's 11."

In tears, I ran to my room.

"Xverna!" Vina called out.

"Mom, that was harsh," Theo said.

"Leave her, she will be fine," Mom responded.

On getting to my room, I saw Ben lying on my bed, playing.

"Did you ask them?" he questioned.

"Go to your room."

"Why are you crying? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just go to your room."

"But you are crying."

"Get Out! Leave! I don't need you here right now!" I shouted at little Ben.

He came down from the bed and walked out of the room crying.

"Ben, I'm sorry," I said to him as I shut the door after him. I laid on my bed, crying profusely, as I recalled what Mom had said to me.

"Mom, that was uncalled for," Vina said.

"I heard you, Vina. So, when are the moving company coming?" Mom asked Theo, not giving Vina another chance to speak.

"Next month, five days from now," he responded.

"That's good."

"Mom, about Dad, what did the doctor say concerning Dad's surgery?" Vina asked.

"As you already know, his right leg is going to be amputated. We just discussed the expense and when the surgery will take place, nothing more."

"Oh, ok," Vina nodded.

"That's why we have to start packing and arranging before the moving company arrives."

"Yes, Mom," both of them answered.

"I will be leaving then," Theo told her. "I have some work to finish."

"Me too," Vina added.

"Is that so? ok, go on then. Safe trip. See you another time," Mom bidding them farewell.

"But where is Ben? We haven't seen him since we arrived," Vina inquired.

"I believe he is in his room playing."

"Mommy," Ben called out as he rushed towards his mother. He ran to his mother, burying his face in her lap, his cries muffled against her clothing. "She shouted at me," he sobbed, his small hands clutching her tightly.

"What happened? Why are you crying? Are you hurt somewhere?" Mom asked, while Vina and Theo looked at him with concern on their faces.

"No," tears streamed down his face, his small body shaking with sobs. He hiccuped between gasps, his words barely audible as he choked out, "Xverna..... shouted at me. I was in her room when.... she came in crying, and she told me to.... leave," his words were barely audible, "Xverna was mean."

"It's okay, stop crying, okay." Theo picked him up and placed him on his chest, petting him. "Are you feeling better now, my little soldier?" Theo asked playfully. Ben's voice was still shaky but calmer.

"She was just... angry," he said as his brother's antics started to work.

"Hey, Soldier," Theo said, wiping Ben's face, even though it was still damp with tears. "What's this? Soldiers don't cry, do they?" He made a silly, exaggerated tough-guy face.

Ben sniffled, still a bit teary. "But she shouted..." he mumbled, his lip trembling slightly.

"Shouted? A soldier can handle anything!" Theo continued, flexing his nonexistent muscles. "You're strong, aren't you? Stronger than her shouting, right?" He then started to make funny faces, and funny noises.

Ben looked at him, his expression a mix of skepticism and a flicker of amusement. "I'm not a soldier..." he said, his voice still a little shaky.

"Yes, you are! My brave soldier." Theo then started to gently tickle him.

Ben tried to suppress a giggle, but it bubbled out, mixing with the remnants of his tears.

"Stop it!" he said, swatting playfully at Theo's hands.

"That's it, that's my soldier!" Theo exclaimed, giving him a gentle hug. "See? All better."

Ben, now smiling through his tear-streaked face, nodded, a genuine laugh escaping him. "I'm okay. But she still shouted," and looked at his elder brother, expecting he would still do something about it.

"Don't worry, I will talk to her. Can you give me a high five then?"

"Yeah!"

"That's it!" Theo said.

"Okay, we are leaving," as he hands Ben over to Mom.

"Bye," Ben said.

"Bye," they responded, waving back at him.

"Xverna," her mother called, "come down for dinner." But there was no response. "Ben, go call your sister to come down for food."

"Ok," Ben said as he made his way to Xverna's room.

"Xverna, Mom is calling you to come down for dinner."

"Xverna! Xverna!"

I did not respond.

"Mom! Xverna is sleeping."

"Ok, why don't you come sit and wait for me while I go get your sister?"

"I will wait here," Ben said as he smiled.

"Xverna, wake up, it's time for dinner."

I sat up, not saying anything.

"Didn't you hear me?"

"But I'm not hungry," I told her.

Standing at the door, she walked into the room and sat on my bed. "I get that you are hurt, but you have to know that all I do is for us. I know you have things you want to do here, but that's not the priority. Your dad is. I believe you're aware that the hospital your dad is receiving treatment from is far from us, and we have no way to get there ourselves. The thought of traveling to the hospital every day, from this distance... it's a burden we simply can't bear. We lack our own transport. The frequent hospital trips, from our location, would cost us more than just time and money. It would cost us what little strength we have left."

"That's why we have to move to the town where the hospital is, ok?"

"Yes, Mom."

"With all of this happening, you have to drop that attitude of always crying and doing what I always speak against, ok?"

"Okay, Mom," I responded.

"Follow my every word, and life will be easy for you, ok?"

"I will, Mom."

"That's my girl. Now come along, let's go and eat," Mom said as she took my hand, leading me to follow behind her.