o

which meant I found out approximately four m

energy of someone carrying news they consider urgent. Lilly was behind her, notebook already in hand, expressio

, without preamble. "All of th

ack. "You mentione

ike she swallowed something unpleasant. Two of the kitchen sta

Xavier this mo

"He was in t

ar

ps show

lk in the oth

someone who had considered this option

man who took us

lded her legs underneath her. "I'

ithout looking up: She has a p

," I said, de

sm

n training in a courtyard I hadn't noticed the night before, a woman cutting flowers from one of the gardens with the focused

suppose

to see him toda

't plan

bably send

l with that wh

ing avoidant and was choosing not to say so dire

what he wants. I don't know what any of this is. Dismissing his mist

notebook: It means

n't kno

was being deliberately obtuse, patient and slightly pitying and utterly ce

omething to him. That doesn't mea

" Kara said. "We're j

ta," I

Man looks for you for two years also a data point. Man tells you in a car that he's been looking for you and then doesn't

I said.

do you think he

g it over the way you turn something sharp over in your

mattered, or he did think it mattered and he still

think it was?

didn't have one that I was

side after

moved when I needed to think purposeful enough to feel productive, aim

gardens and fountains and outbuildings, and further back, beyond a low stone wall, there were what looked like training grounds, stables, a long low b

watching the water catch the mor

omeone accustomed to talking to children because they

igh and clear: "But why

sed, "..because some th

wer. Grown-up answers

curate and I'm not s

seven with dark pigtails and a gap-toothed smile and the kind of fearlessness that only existed before the world had had sufficient

aw me

," she

his expression shifted, surprised, then please

said, to

she said. "W

of

tion that small children deployed without any awareness of how unsett

ced at

look slightly pained

oked back at Mila.

"I mean, he's nice to me. But I think that's because I'm small

l," I r

ak it." She demonstrated with her hands, that particular tens

red a

f someone steering a ship that had developed

king the bench. "He'd probably be nice

on the pat

urn

less quality that suggested she had been looking for a while. She stopped when she

ng," she sa

ning," he

em with undisguised in

you want to see if Cook h

dy had b

t is a completel

ench and headed toward the mansion at a run, glancing back

down next

own it would look like I was staying, and I wasn't

is morning?" Ka

" Xavi

at him.

Xavier's expression was even but watchful. "He does th

ill he

h to register that I'd asked. "I don't kn

nt to examine, which was to say it settled with more weight

ad l

telling you anyway and the ghost of something almost like con

elf much. That's wh

said to no on

s looki

ne," I said again.

meant she would revisit this late

dining room or the untouched head of the table or the particular silence of a

ink about t

ck three d

a room that had been holding its breath finally exhaling. Staff moved with more purpose, and con

proprietary relationship with, mostly because it had deep window seats and was far enough

t go do

as old and dense and about the history of pack law, and I was working my way through it wit

se people who went to the window when they

ur pages before I heard hi

out meaning to on the first night, the footsteps of someone who had never once in

e library d

eyes on

brary," he said,

turned a page. "It

. I bui

st the doorframe jacket gone, collar open, with the particular quality of stillness that I was beginning

re physical fatigue was something that appli

needed?" I asked, bef

oked

clarified, returning my

"Not en

's a

other you? That I left w

page. "Wh

of

rea

reading for

a long

t in the doorway, and then he said, quietly: "It

pretendi

more care than was usual for them, " I don't explain myself. I don't have

ed up

adequate," he said. "I

you to know that. I'm telling you anyway. Like telling me things w

d you go?

oment. "To collect s

ndering up the stairs Xavier, slightly breathless, app

he said. "They

shifted not the careful stillness but something

th me,"

air by the window with her hands folded in her lap and the particular upright patience of someone

ully silver, and there were lines on her face that hadn't been there before, and her hands, when she

yes were

ht and so familiar that somethi

he word came out lik

anding in her kitchen in the Beta house while she braided my hair and told me that difficult things

nough to hurt, whic

said, into my hair. "My

and she held back, and behind me the doorway was empty be

hing he had go

leverage. Not somet

ng I ow

was going to do it, and he hadn't stayed to watch me find out, and I stood in that room with my

that di

ntly harder to keep him at a

er eyes moving over my face with the searching attention of someone checking for damage and th

y. "Told me he'd bring me to you when it was

d y

d. "I believed that he meant it," she said. "That's

t the empt

was when she had something to say that she knew I might r

and

loser," she finished.

d not

house she'd been kept in that had been perfectly comfortable and slightly eerie, and I sat at her feet like I was a child again, and I listened, and outside t

that for the r

of us crammed into my grandmother's small sitting room with plates on our laps, Kara

my eye across the room and raised he

ow, and looked out at the dark grounds, and somewhere below, a light in a window

le w

t know what you are. I don't know what this is. I don't know

first time, that I migh