Accidental Marriage via Dating App

MAY

I grumbled as the snuggle app recommendation popped up on my Facebook wall again.

God! Why is this even on my page?

I subconsciously scrolled through the Ad reading click baits like "find your happily ever after". I've tried dating apps one time too many. It didn't always work out. In my case, I've always been matched with the wrong guys. My matches were always creeps who only wanted to get laid or pervs looking for a sweet little girl to prey on. So, It was back to facing reality and telling myself I didn't need any man. There was no such thing as the perfect match.

This Ad, however, had been a super pesky one. I couldn't count the numerous memes I had lost because of it.

So I thought hard, If Facebook had refused to stop spamming me with this ad, it must be for a divine reason. My rose quartz was finally working.

Install.

I planned to check it out and then give it a scathing review. That'll show them.

A mail popped in just as the application finished installing. It was from work.

Probably another shift I had to cover. Poor underpaid me.

The app's home page was one sight to behold. A hue of pink and peach blended to mesmerize the eyes. Catching, I had to admit. The logo looked like an 'S' or maybe it was the infinity symbol. I was too psyched to look into the details. The creators were a smart bunch though. Infinity was something most single moms hoped for in dating apps after all. When it was done loading, another pop-up appeared asking me for my sign-up details. I did the necessary and watched it load...again! It made me begin to rethink the whole scathing review stuff. I had serious things to do with my life. Like wash my dishes or begrudgingly look into that email.

One look at the sink behind the living room and my undying love for dropping bad reviews on apps returned.

There was another pop-up. It said, Do you accept all terms and agreements? There was also an option to read through their terms but who the hell read those? I did try once, Only because I was bored out of my mind and the only thing I understood was the privacy policy. Plus, the terms could not be some sinister plans to dominate my life so I didn't have to worry about what they contained. It was the permissions you had to be careful of.

I hit the accept button and I was immediately directed to my profile. I needed a name, a profile picture, and course a brief tale about my likes and dislikes. It wasn't necessary. I had the app already and that was enough for me to give the review but I was just having harmless fun.

Likes? I thought hard before hitting the buttons on my screen. I liked honesty, boundaries, communication, and respect. The generic stuff...

In a way, the baby boomers were right. The internet was our kryptonite and mine happened to be Snuggle.

***

EDMOND

I walked through the gilded doors of my agency a wounded lion. Lucille's words still echoed in the crevices of my ears and it hurt.

"I have not been feeling fully satisfied in this relationship and think it would be best if we broke up. I do not feel confident in our relationship succeeding going forward and I really need some time alone to work on myself."

What did that even mean, I asked myself as the receptionist came rushing by. I had done everything in my power to satisfy Lucille and make her happy. If there was any truth in the words she told me, what part had I been lacking in? Our sex life was amazing and we spent quality time together if I was opportune to. The break-up felt like an itch in my throat I could not quite reach.

"Sir, we have a problem." The receptionist made known vocally. She seemed tense and that meant bad news.

"And what might that be?"

"May Wolfe, the agent who was supposed to meet with today's client bailed. Mrs. Verna is quite pissed. I have reached out to May several times on her work email but no replies are forthcoming. What do I do?"

The unwelcome news was the straw for me. I didn't even know this May but now I had a bone to pick with her. She just made my day progressively worse. "Send my sincerest apologies to Mrs. Verna and ask if we can reschedule."

"Of course," The receptionist muttered, immediately turning to her desk to begin working on it but as she did so. I was reminded of May Wolfe. The no-good slacker that ruined my already shitty afternoon.

"And, inform the manager to dispose of May Wolfe. We can't have a slacker in a demanding workplace. Can we?" She nodded nervously while typing furiously on the keyboard in front of her. I took that as my cue to leave. I walked up to the top floor, keyed the lock, and collapsed on a chair. My feet propped up to the table in exhaustion as I scrolled through my call log to call Lucille again. She had been ignoring me and with my shitty luck, it wouldn't be long before she blocked me but I needed an answer. Not one of that committed pacifist rubbish mouthed in hopes of soothing my wasted ego.

Call.

Again, Lucille ignored my call and it went directly to voice mail. I cut it and scrolled through my phone's drawer. Instagram was the go-to. Lucille was sort of an influencer and I knew she couldn't go a day without posting something. A part of me was sure I would get my answer there even if I might not like it. With a little closure, I truly hoped the truth would set me free. Opening the app, I was greeted by a lovely quote from Lucille.

I may have lost someone who didn't love me but you lost someone who truly loved you.

I could barely find the words to describe my shock. Lucille was clearly talking about the breakup. Our breakup! All while antagonizing the heck out of me. I wasn't one to comment but her pretentious quote made my fingers itch. Upon clicking the comment icon, I was greeted by floods of heart emojis and pity notes from strangers. They all directed love to Lucille with many calling the jerk–who so happened to be me– an evil monster who didn't know what he lost. One comment did catch my eye.

"Well, your new man must be ten times hotter than that jerk anyway. I'm swooning," The atrocious comment said. I scrolled upward, stalking Lucille's profile and hoping it was just wishful prayers from one of her fangirls but it wasn't. The most recent photo on Lucille's feed was a raunchy photo of herself and a sun-kissed hunk tongue fucking. The caption below read, life is better with you.

My heart sank and the world went black for a second. It had barely been a day. Everything about this felt wrong. I refused to acknowledge that this man was the reason Lucille ended things with me. Sure he was far good-looking and judging from the highly developed muscle that did not miss the camera's eyes, you could tell that he was a gym rat but that was it. Did she dump me for a camera-worthy guy? Or was it because I refused to give consent to her voracious demands to let the world know her man? I didn't have an answer to any of those questions but Lucille did. Against better judgment, I was going to attempt calling her again when I caught another quote, Get your forever. Except for this time, it wasn't something spiteful directed at me. No, it was some sort of dating app advertisement.

"Snuggle..." I muttered. I wasn't sure what came over me at that moment but I hit the pop-up. It was a dating app alright. The one thing that did stand out was its playful peachy colors and whooping five-star ratings. Now that was odd. Dating apps were huge time sinks and the surety of actually ending up with a good partner was once in a blue moon. I was so much in denial that strangers on the internet found a better love life than me that I was willing to do anything to inflate my deflated pride. I scrolled the reviews one by one.

Good, It said. The first two weeks were tough but Brian was indeed the one for me. Thank you snuggle, Another rating said. I dived lower and lower but one thing was clear. There was not a single four-star. Not even a one. It made me wonder if the app was god-sent so I installed it and signed up. A notice popped up asking if I agreed to the terms and conditions. There has the urge to check its permission guidelines but curiosity got the better of me. I clicked the accept button which led me to my profile. As I filled up the necessary and successfully set up my profile, I got a notification from snuggle.

"Congratulations, "It said. "you're married."