Untamed Desires.

[1]

I once had a secret romance with my stepbrother.

[2]

Our breakup was particularly messy

[3]

Later, when he was drunk, he cornered me in the bathroom and said,

[4]

"I must have a masochistic streak, wanting us to torment each other forever. What can you do about it?"

[5]

1

[6]

As the Lunar New Year approached, I procrastinated as long as I could, but eventually, under my father's pressure and persuasion, I bought a ticket home.

[7]

On the day I arrived, Landen came to pick me up.

[8]

It was our first meeting since the breakup.

[9]

In the six months apart, he had changed a lot. The once light-colored clothes were replaced by a sharply tailored black suit, accentuating his slender waist and long legs. His deep-set features and aloof expression made him seem distant and unapproachable.

[10]

"Brother..."

[11]

I called out awkwardly.

[12]

He glanced at me indifferently,

[13]

"Call me by my name. I don't want to be your brother."

[14]

So, even being siblings was off the table after the breakup?

[15]

I stayed silent and followed him home.

[16]

Sitting at the same dining table, waiting for dinner, Landen suddenly reached out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear. He noticed my row of shiny earrings and chuckled softly.

[17]

"Seven piercings.

[18]

You're really not afraid of pain."

[19]

I bit my lip, my eyes embarrassingly welling up with tears. I tried to cover it up by taking a sip of my drink, only to choke and cough uncontrollably, tears streaming down my face.

[20]

It was karma.

[21]

Landen watched me quietly the whole time, his eyes as deep as a dark pool, leaving me nowhere to hide my embarrassment.

[22]

leaving me nowhere to hide my embarrassment.

[23]

I couldn't tell if I was being overly sensitive, but I thought I saw disdain in his eyes.

[24]

That family reunion dinner felt like a lump in my throat, like thorns on my back

[25]

Something felt off.

[26]

It wasn't until that evening, when Landen knocked on my door with an undisguised gloom in his eyes, that I realized the problem-Landen resented me. He was openly hostile.

[27]

"Madeline, I bet your life's a mess, isn't it?"

[28]

He said.

[29]

"You're overthinking it. I'm very happy, and my boyfriend treats me very well,"

[30]

I replied.

[31]

"You have a boyfriend again?"

[32]

Landen's eyes darkened. He paused, "Who is he? Bring him over so I can check him out.

[33]

You always have poor judgment and can't tell good from bad."

[34]

"Bringing him home would mean introducing him to the family. Are you that eager for me to get married and move out?"

[35]

I retorted

[36]

We locked eyes for a long time before Landen backed down,

[37]

"Then let's meet outside. When can you arrange it?"

[38]

"My boyfriend is very busy.

[39]

I'll let you know after I discuss it with him."

[40]

I retorted defiantly, as usual. In front of Landen, I was used to playing the role of the arrogant, fearless girl.

[41]

But Landen wasn't going to indulge me like he used to.

[42]

He let out a cold laugh, "Fine, former lover. I want to see how I compare to your current one."

[43]

2

[44]

From a young age, I held onto a stubborn belief.

[45]

If a person loses their mother, they can never truly have a home again.

[46]

So when I was twelve and Landen and his mother appeared, I wasn't resistant. I was even relieved that this day had come so early. I wouldn't have to live in fear anymore.

[47]

If not them, there would have been others.

[48]

My father would eventually become someone else's husband, someone else's father.

[49]

I didn't know if understanding this too early made me mature or pessimistic.

[50]

Either way, I understood.

[51]

I also understood that Landen was very handsome, and getting along with him would not only boost my image but also ensure my group of infatuated girlfriends would follow me loyally.

[52]

Landen was three years older than me, quiet and reserved, not one for words.

[53]

After becoming my brother, he never had a peaceful day.

[54]

During my rebellious teenage years, I was particularly troublesome, constantly getting into trouble.

[55]

If I wasn't helping a girlfriend deal with a rival, I was backing up a good buddy.

[56]

Landen was worried I'd get hurt, so he always followed me.

[57]

If I couldn't win a fight, he'd join in; if I could, he'd sit aside doing homework.

[58]

Once, after a fight, I went home with a bruised face alongside Landen. My father, a bit tipsy, assumed Landen had hit me.

[59]

He didn't know Landen was also injured, just not visibly.

[60]

That day, my father hit Landen hard, avenging me.

[61]

Landen wasn't angry; instead, he comforted me, "Your father will always be your father.

[62]

You'll always be the one he loves most."

[63]

Yes, at that moment of misunderstanding, I impulsively chose not to explain for Landen, just to see how my father would react.

[64]

But I didn't expect Landen to see through my petty thoughts.

[65]

I was utterly shocked and filled with shame. I gave him a fierce glare and spat out angrily, "Your dad is gone, so you come to snatch mine. Now you know you've lost, right?"

[66]

"In this house,

[67]

you will always be nothing but an outsider."

[68]

Landen turned away, ignoring me.

[69]

After a long while, I belatedly became aware of my own malevolence."

[70]

From then on, my emotions towards Landen underwent a delicate transformation.

[71]

"Previously, no matter how kindly he treated me, my heart remained unmoved.

[72]

Since my father was extremely kind to his mother, in my opinion, his kindness towards me was merely an act of repaying a debt and not something worthy of my gratitude.

[73]

However, I overlooked the fact that my father's kindness to his mother implied that I might be excluded by their whole family at any moment.

[74]

When I was twenty, I had a brief romance in college. In just ten days, the guy cheated on me three times.

[75]

It was unbelievable.

[76]

In the middle of the night, overwhelmed with grief, I called Landen to vent, eventually falling asleep while cursing.

[77]

When I woke up, my roommate told me my brother was waiting downstairs.

[78]

As soon as I dashed out of the dormitory building, in the dazzlingly bright sunlight, I caught sight of that lanky and slender figure

[79]

When I intended to hold his arm, he, taking advantage of his over one-meter-eight height, reached out and held me off by pressing his hand against my forehead

[80]

Landen inquired,

[81]

'Who gave you permission to be in a relationship?"

[82]

I responded, 'Everyone in the dormitory has a relationship.

[83]

So I desired to have one too."

[84]

He inhaled deeply,

[85]

'If you had the urge to date, you could have informed me.'"

[86]

"What use would it be to tell you?"

[87]

Before I could utter a word, he drew me tightly into his embrace.

[88]

Something became clear, like clouds parting to reveal the sun. Listening to my erratic heartbeat, my face grew hotter.

[89]

"At that moment, being rather obtuse, I didn't perceive that Landen had feelings for me. Instead, I merely discovered that I indeed harbored improper intentions towards him.

[90]

From a simple hug, my mind had already played out a scenario of marriage and children.

[91]

A young, passionate girl can't control her wicked thoughts.

[92]

I comforted myself with this afterward.

[93]

It took three months of sending greetings of good morning, good afternoon, and good night before Landen finally took the initiative to break the ice and formalize our relationship

[94]

"The family must not know.

[95]

But your colleagues and friends must all be aware that I am your girlfriend."

[96]

I earnestly instructed Landen.

[97]

In the two years we spent together, he was extremely kind to me, always compliant and submissive.

[98]

He performed exceptionally well in all the aspects that girls fuss over, such as a sense of ritual and the desire to share.

[99]

Yet, I felt anxious, fearing a future that seemed impossible to continue.

[100]

Then one day, I came across Landen's wealthy and beautiful female colleague confessing her love to him

[101]

That's when I decided to end it.

[102]

That dusk, I strolled barefoot along the riverside, resolutely making up my mind: 'Forget it, Madeline. Don't destroy his anticipation for love

[103]

You're a petty, unattractive, hot-tempered girl, not suitable for him.

[104]

Don't forget, you're still his sister in name.

[105]

The path between the two of you

[106]

will only grow more arduous."

[107]

I truly couldn't fathom my own state of mind. Instead of having a proper breakup, I insisted on ruining the relationship, shattering the beauty, and uttering all kinds of malicious and harsh words to inflict pain on him.

[108]

"Madeline, can't we not break up?

[109]

I can quit and find another job,

[110]

so I won't run into that girl again."

[111]

"Landen's yielding appearance made my hysterical self-overwhelmed with shame, leaving me unable to make a sound for a while.

[112]

I really was a detestable person.

[113]

I thought despairingly, but refused to show any weakness on my face.

[114]

After the breakup, I got a row of ear piercings, a testament to my emotional turmoil.

[115]

It hurt, and soon they got infected, hurting even more.

[116]

Yet, I perversely felt that pain was a way to heal.

[117]

Sometimes, I even sought out pain to make myself feel less lonely, to keep my longing from overwhelming me.

[118]

These were things Landen would never know.

[119]

"Seven piercings,

[120]

you're really not afraid of pain?"

[121]

Landen, am I really not afraid of pain?

[122]

3

[123]

The first night back home, I slept poorly, plagued by restless and disturbing dreams.

[124]

My mind felt clear, yet no matter how I struggled, I couldn't wake up.

[125]

I slept for over ten hours but still felt utterly exhausted.

[126]

My stepmom asked if I was feeling unwell.

[127]

I nodded,

[128]

"I feel a bit nauseous."

[129]

As soon as I said that, Landen shot me a piercing glare from the side.

[130]

"Nauseous?"

[131]

He repeated with clenched teeth, striding towards me forcefully. His expression was so stern that it seemed as if he wanted to devour me alive.

[132]

"Are there any other symptoms?"

[133]

My stomach churned, and I rushed to the bathroom without answering.

[134]

When I came out, Landen was gone.

[135]

My stepmom handed me a cup of warm water,

[136]

cautiously probing, "Madeline, are you and Landen having a disagreement?"

[137]

"Maybe...

[138]

not,"

[139]

I replied.

[140]

A few minutes later, Landen burst in from outside, panting. In front of my stepmom, he dragged me to his room and shut the door behind us.

[141]

My heart pounded as I growled,

[142]

"What on earth are you doing?"

[143]

Landen shoved something into my arms, insisting,

[144]

"Take a test."

[145]

As I fixed my gaze downward, I was astonished to see a pregnancy test kit. A strange combination of anger and amusement welled up within me.

[146]

Did he think I was pregnant?

[147]

Did he care?

[148]

With a hint of expectation, I teased, "Nothing to test. If I'm pregnant,

[149]

I'll just have the baby."

[150]

"Madeline, how on earth have you turned into such a mess?"

[151]

Landen scrutinized me, his eyes full of frustration.

[152]

I've known him for years, familiar with all his expressions, but never had I seen him look at anyone with such helplessness.

[153]

This unique gaze gave me a strange sense of satisfaction, yet also made me feel insignificant.

[154]

Outside, I heard the sound of a key turning in the lock, and the next moment, the door swung open.

[155]

"Are you pregnant?"

[156]

My father stormed in, face flushed, with my stepmom trailing behind, her face full of worry.

[157]

"On instinct, I made an attempt to conceal the pregnancy test in my hand. However, in my father's eyes, this action seemed even more like having a guilty conscience.

[158]

He glared at me, raising his hand to strike, but Landen caught his wrist.

[159]

"You can't

[160]

hit her."

[161]

Those words made both my father and stepmom gasp.

[162]

"Landen!

[163]

Is that how you talk to your father?"

[164]

my stepmom exclaimed, shocked.

[165]

Landen released my father's hand, silently and firmly shielding me.

[166]

My stepmom softened her voice to mediate, "Let's not get angry. Whatever's happened, we're family and can work it out together.

[167]

Leland, Madeline, you two should have a good talk."

[168]

Family?

[169]

In this scene, it seemed like they were the family of three, and I was just the intruder disrupting their harmony.

[170]

"If Madeline were even half as sensible as Landen, I wouldn't be so distressed. Having to plead with her from left to right just to get her to come home for the holidays. What sort of fate is this for me as a father?

[171]

I spent half my life taking care of her mother, and now I have to take care of her.

[172]

What a misfortune!"

[173]

The words I overheard last night outside the study echoed in my ears again.

[174]

I curled my lips, tossed the pregnancy test aside, and stepped out from behind Landen. "I'm not pregnant. I won't embarrass you.

[175]

Believe it or not,it's up to you'"

[176]

With that, I walked out without looking back, unwilling to see any of their faces.

[177]

"Madeline, what kind of attitude is that?" my father shouted after me.

[178]

"What do you mean you won't embarrass me? If you dare to get pregnant out of wedlock, don't come back to this house."

[179]

never come back to this home."

[180]

It seemed that in front of my stepmom, my father was particularly concerned about his masculinity, refusing to let his authority be challenged.

[181]

As a child, I didn't understand this and suffered many beatings.

[182]

But now, I'm no longer afraid.

[183]

Once you realize someone isn't worth caring about, you truly become indifferent to any outcome.

[184]

4

[185]

As soon as I stepped outside, the chilling wind hit me from all directions.

[186]

Standing in the vast expanse of snow, still struggling to recover from the earlier sense of shame, I caught sight of Landen chasing after me.

[187]

He wore a black down jacket, most of his face hidden in the thick, fluffy collar, with only his cool eyes visible. In his arms, he held a Patrick Star hot water bottle, which seemed out of place with his demeanor.

[188]

He approached and handed me the hot water bottle, speaking softly, "Let's go home.

[189]

It's cold outside."

[190]

I quickly shook my head, "Brother-no,

[191]

Landen, come with me somewhere. I'm scared to go alone."

[192]

We drove for hours to get there.

[193]

As the sun set and dusk fell, Landen and I sat in front of a grave in the cemetery.

[194]

It was quiet here, with no one around, just endless rows of headstones stretching into the distance.

[195]

"I told my mom everything,"

[196]

I said with a light laugh,

[197]

"including about us being together."

[198]

Landen's nose was red from the cold, giving him a rare, endearing look. He turned to me, his eyelashes fluttering slightly, "So, why did you break up with me?"

[199]

"So, why did you break up with me?"

[200]

Why did we break up?

[201]

Pride and love tortured one another, while reality and dreams went in opposite directions.

[202]

Day and night, I was trapped between them, unable to find a moment's peace. In the end, I threw in the towel.

[203]

What's even more ridiculous is that I couldn't bring myself to utter this reason aloud – I love you, yet I'm terrified to be with you.

[204]

I love you, which means I'm scared of hurting you.

[205]

"I can't envision a future together, so I decided not to waste time. I want a simpler life,"

[206]

I said calmly.

[207]

He didn't respond, just turned to glance at my mother's headstone.

[208]

"Do you know,

[209]

my mom broke ties with her family to marry my dad. Her all-out love turned into mutual resentment in less than three years. In the end, it was your mom who easily got the tenderness and care from my dad that my mom never sought in her life."

[210]

I looked into the distance

[211]

and sighed deeply.

[212]

I'd never shared these thoughts with anyone before.

[213]

As a child, I hated my mom for being selfish, for leaving me alone and choosing death.

[214]

But as I grew up and understood more about the world's truths and falsehoods, I began to understand some of her pain.

[215]

On the way home, I rested my head against the car window, staring blankly at the passing scenery.

[216]

In the brief moment when the traffic light was changing, a hand suddenly grasped mine firmly.

[217]

"Let's get

[218]

married."

[219]

It wasn't a question, but a statement.

[220]

In a split second, it was as if a sharp, tiny needle had stabbed the most sensitive nerve at the tip of my heart.

[221]

I abruptly flung off his hand and recoiled inwardly in a defensive posture.

[222]

"Are you crazy?"

[223]

In a flash, I remembered something and quickly added,

[224]

"I already have a boyfriend."

[225]

Landen's expression softened as he gazed distantly, his jawline tense.

[226]

The space inside the car was filled with a heavy silence and an awkwardness. I turned my body sideways and faced away from Landen, my heart pounding rapidly.

[227]

If someone were to choose me unwaveringly, I doubt I could handle it.

[228]

But not everyone is that lucky.

[229]

Perhaps I fancied myself emotionally stable, willing to take a gamble.

[230]

But deep down, I knew I wasn't.

[231]

That night, I smoked on the balcony, watching the city lights. Through the glass, I saw families gathered, chatting warmly.

[232]

My stepmother appeared beside me, her usual gentle face now serious.

[233]

"Madeline, can we talk?"

[234]

A sense of foreboding washed over me.

[235]

She knew...

[236]

5

[237]

"I have arranged a blind date for Landen. The girl is a doctoral student who has studied abroad. Just like him, she has been outstanding since childhood, picking up things rapidly. Moreover, she is very attractive. She is refined and empathetic. What delights me the most is her original family. It is extremely harmonious.

[238]

A child who grows up in such an atmosphere has a fully developed personality."

[239]

She is really a clever woman. With just one sentence, she accurately and unerringly hit my soft spot.

[240]

I had always been an average student, plain-looking, and far from well-mannered or understanding.

[241]

In particular, the description of the family of origin is extremely damaging.

[242]

Without her saying it, I was certain she knew everything.

[243]

Did Landen tell her?

[244]

I stepped back into the shadows, hoping my shame and embarrassment wouldn't be noticed.

[245]

My stepmother continued, "Such a good girl, but Landen refuses to meet her.

[246]

Madeline, can you help me think of a way?"

[247]

"What do you want me to do?"

[248]

After taking a deep puff of cigarette, I managed to control my emotions and asked calmly in reply.

[249]

"Just persuade him. It's a pity to miss out on such a good girl."

[250]

She patted my hand affectionately.

[251]

Such a good girl...

[252]

I silently repeated her words, suddenly wanting to laugh.

[253]

"I have

[254]

a girlfriend."

[255]

A familiar voice came from behind. When I turned around to look, I happened to meet Landen's icy stare.

[256]

He walked up to me, casually threw me the hot water bottle with a Patrick Star design and then fixed his gaze on my stepmother, saying word by word,

[257]

"Once I cheer her up, I will marry her."

[258]

The air seemed to freeze. After a moment, my stepmother forced a smile and looked at me,

[259]

"Madeline, do you know your brother's girlfriend?"

[260]

I do

[261]

not know.

[262]

Without hesitation, I quickly made my choice.

[263]

My stepmother heaved a sigh of relief and displayed her first sincere smile of the night.

[264]

"You two talk. I'll go and cut some fruit."

[265]

Left alone with Landen, neither of us spoke, each lost in thought.

[266]

Eventually, my phone rang, breaking the silence.

[267]

"Madeline,

[268]

did you miss me?"

[269]

The surroundings were so quiet that the voice on the other end was easily heard by Landen.

[270]

I saw his back stiffen for a moment.

[271]

"I did,"

[272]

I replied.

[273]

As soon as I said it, Landen walked away quickly, as if something was chasing him.

[274]

Watching his retreating figure, tears I had held back all night finally flowed.

[275]

If he turned around now, he'd see my hypocrisy-pretending to be strong when I was already a mess inside.

[276]

In the past, I wouldn't have had the patience to chat with the person on the phone for so long.

[277]

But tonight was different. Too many indescribable emotions were growing wildly in my heart, and I needed someone to talk to,

[278]

even if it was about things I didn't care about.

[279]

"Madeline, I really hate the New Year."

[280]

Before hanging up,

[281]

the person suddenly said seriously.

[282]

"What a coincidence,

[283]

so do I."

[284]

Leaving the balcony, my stepmother approached with a plate of fruit, gossiping,

[285]

"So, Madeline has a boyfriend now. When will you bring him over?"

[286]

I replied dismissively,

[287]

"Not now."

[288]

Finding an excuse, I went out alone to a barbecue restaurant.

[289]

In the midst of the swirling smoke and bustling atmosphere, I drank copiously and ate heartily, attempting to fill the emptiness in my heart in this way.

[290]

But it was futile.

[291]

On my way to the restroom, I tripped over something and was about to fall face-first when a hand suddenly grabbed me, pulling me into a fragrant embrace.

[292]

In the dim light, I saw Landen's concerned expression, and I broke down,

[293]

crying loudly, like a water balloon finally bursting under pressure.

[294]

He held me tightly, absorbing all my outbursts.

[295]

After crying, I leaned on the sink, washed my face with cold water, and looked up to see a numb, dazed face in the mirror.

[296]

How did I end up like this?

[297]

I heard a voice inside me ask.

[298]

The person beside me said softly,

[299]

"Let's go back to our place."

[300]

I pretended not to hear, still staring at the mirror.

[301]

He repeated stubbornly,

[302]

"To our home."

[303]

That night, perhaps due to the alcohol, I slept exceptionally well.

[304]

In my dream, I became SpongeBob and asked,

[305]

"Patrick, why are you called Patrick?"

[306]

The Patrick beside me looked at me seriously,

[307]

"Because I'm the star sent by God to protect you."

[308]

Such a childish scenario, yet it was something that truly happened in my childhood,

[309]

so I was deeply moved.

[310]

When I woke up, it was ten in the morning.

[311]

Rubbing my aching head, I looked around the unfamiliar surroundings, filled with questions.

[312]

Where am I?

[313]

I clearly recall that I went home with Landen last night. Could it be that he sold me off?