TEMPT ME

What's wrong with me?

Iyon ang tanong na paulit-ulit na umiikot sa utak ko. Tanong na kahit anong pilit ko ay wala akong makuhang sagot. It graced my mind a million of times, and it made me angrier to myself whenever I don't to come up the right answer for it. Alam mo na kasi kung ano ang mali sa'yo, ayaw mo lang aminin!

Napapikit ako sa hapdi na nararamdaman ko sa aking balat. I needed this one. The pain was the only thing that could make me think straight. I needed to feel the pain to know that I am still alive, still capable of feeling something.

Kinuha ko ang loofah na nakasabit sa gilid ng salamin. Kinuskos ko ng maigi ang balat ko. The pain that the hot shower gave was not enough. I need more pain so I could live another day. Pain reminds me that I'm still alive, that I survived another day despite the hell that I've been through.

Halos wala na akong makita dahil halos napalibutan na ng singaw ng mainit na tubig na galing sa shower ang buong banyo. Sige pa rin ako sa pagkuskos ng balat ko. I closed my eyes and my tears began to roll down my cheeks, blending on the water that ran on my body.

Why did I let him do that to me? Why can't I stop?

Napahagulhol ako sa tindi ng sama ng loob sa sarili ko. My heart clenched inside my chest as memories from last night flooded my mind. It was like a roller coaster ride; I can stop the events playing inside my head, it came down like an avalanche. I wanted to shout but my mouth can't seem to utter a single word.

Pinukpok ang dibdib ng ilang beses. Nakakadiri.

Nakakadiri ka!

If I was just a little stronger, then I wouldn't have to suffer like this.

"C'mon, Kate, don't go sweet on me. You have nothing to lose, sigurado akong magugustohan mo ang gagawin natin," malisyosong bulong nito sa tainga ko. He was behind me, holding my shoulders as he slightly pushed me into an open door. It was dark inside the room, I had a hard time focusing my sight. And when my sight adjusted to the darkness, I gasped.

"They will watch us, Kate. Don't worry, they will have their show too in front of us."

Malakas na dumagundong ang puso ko.

Say no!

I scanned the dark room. Kung kanina ay halos wala akong makita, ngayon ay nakikita ko na kung anong nangyayari. Gusto kong masuka sa nasaksihan.

Hindi ko narinig kanina ang mga ungol nila dahil malakas ang tugtog ng musika. But now that I saw what they're doing, it feels like it will be the end of me. After this, I'll definitely go crazy.

Umatras ako at nanginginig na bumaling kay Sam, nasa likod ko pa rin siya at hawak pa rin ang balikat ko.

"Sam, I can't do this. Please, don't do this. This is sick. Hindi mo ba nakikita ang ginagawa nila? Ang bababoy nila! Ayoko ng ganito, hindi ito kasali sa pinag-usapan natin. I'm so sorry, but I don't think I can do this. This is just so disgusting." Nagtapang-tapangan ako. Pero sa totoo ay takot na takot na ako.

Akmang lalagpasan ko na siya nang marahas niyang hinila ang braso ko. Napangiwi ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay matatanggal ang iyon ko sa lakas ng paghila niya.

Nalilisik ang mga matang tumitig siya sa akin. He was like a demon who's about to devour me.

"Where do you think you're going? Do you think you can say no? Do you dare to say no to me now? Huh?!" malakas niyang sigaw.

Napapikit ako sa lakas ng boses niya. Bumaling sa amin ang mga tao na nandoon. Their gaze where full of questions. Hindi naman nagtagal ang pagtitig nila sa amin. They resumed on what they're doing.

Pilit ko pa rin na hinila ang braso ko pero ang lakas ng hawak niya.

May lumapit na isang lalaki. Wala siyang ibang suot. He was walking towards us naked, and he didn't care about it. I think he was even proud to show his naked body to the people inside the room. Gusto kong masuka. They're sick!

"Bro, is there something wrong?" tanong niya nang makalapit sa amin. Umakbay siya kay Samuel at baliwala lang dito na ang galit na galit na mukha ni Sam. It was like he's used to seeing him like this.

Nang hindi magsalita si Samuel ay bumaling ang lalaki sa akin. Nakangiti ito pero iba ang klase ng ngiti niya. I can't fathom, but the way his lips curved made me shiver in fear.

"Hi, I'm Alejandro. You must be Kate?" Nakangiti nitong tanong sa akin. Inilahad pa ang kamay sa akin para makipag-kamay pero hindi ko tinanggap ang kamay niya. I don't want to touch him.

"Sam, just let me go, please. Magpaiwan ka na lang dito. I can go home alone." I begged him. Pinilit ko pa rin na hinihila ang braso ko pero mas lalo lang humigpit ang hawak niya doon. Gusto ko nang maiyak. Alam kong malabo akong makalabas dito.

Nagulat ako nang bigla akong hinila ng malakas ni Samuel at itinulak ako doon sa lalaking nagngangalang Alejandro. He pushed me until I felt his naked body.

"Whoa...easy there, man!" natatawang saad ni Alejandro.

I was shocked by what Sam did.

"F*ck her hard," mariin niyang saad. Lumakas ito papalayo sa amin at naupo sa isang bakanteng sofa.

Nanindig ang lahat ng balahibo ko sa buong katawan dahil malakas na humalakhak si Alejandro. What shock me even more was when he circled his arms around my body, and pressed me into his naked body.

Malakas na naghiyawan ang mga taong nandoon. Natutuwa sila.

"What?! No!" gimbal kong sigaw. I tried to push him away from me but he just held me tighter.

"Hey, I'm a good f*ck, babe. Hindi ka lugi sa akin, I'm sure you'll love it," bulong niya.

His voice was low and hoarse. Kinagat niya ang tainga ko at nanindig lahat ng balahibo ko sa buong katawan. This is not good.

He cupped my breast without any permission from me and pushed in the vacant sofa in front of us. Hindi ko alam pero biglang nag-iba ang pakiramdam ko.

I heard voices in the background cheering and laughing. They were encouraging Alejandro to do more. And I hated myself for feeling the excitement. I hate this side of me. Why am I like this? I don't want to be like this!

My mind was shouting stop, but my body said otherwise.

I curled myself in a fetal position while lying on the bathroom floor. Walang tigil ang pagtulo ng luha ko, ayokong tumugil sa kakaiyak. I was so disgusted with myself but what made me loathe myself is the thrill and excitement I felt when he touched me.

Hindi ako dapat nakadama ng ganoon pero hindi ko alam kung bakit iyon lumalabas sa tuwing nasa gano'ng sitwasyon ako. It was like there is someone inside who's taking control over my feelings.

I stayed in that position for I don't know how long. I was just staring into the bathroom wall. Patuloy pa rin ang pag-agos ng mainit na tubog mula sa shower, pero namanhid na ang buong katawan ko. I can't feel the pain anymore, at ito ang mas ikinatatakot ko.

I closed my eyes until I was consumed with darkness. I want this. Just consumed me forever.

I woke up feeling sore all over my body, as in my skin was hurting and burning. Nakapikit pa rin ako at parang ayokong igalaw ang katawan ko. Masakit. Mahapdi. The cold tile was underneath men. I was still in the bathroom. The last thing I remembered before drifted into sleep was the shower was still flowing.

Pero ngayon ay walang tubig ang tumatama sa balat ko. No hot water terrorizing me skin.

Slowly, I opened my eyes and I was welcomed with darkness. Madilim ang bathroom. How long did I pass out?

I tilted my head to look at the window. Madilim na sa labas, it was probably nighttime now. So, halos buong araw akong nakahiga dito sa sahig na banyo?

Napangiwi ako nang maramdaman ang sakit nang magtangka akong gumalaw. Sigurado akong pulang-pula na ang balat ko.

Dahan-dahan akong tumayo, ininda ang sakit na hatid ng paggalaw ko. I still was naked.

Paika-ika akong lumabas sa banyo. My skin hurt and my middle was still sore.

Madilim ang buong apartment ko, the only light was from the lamp outside the window. I kept the room dark. Hindi na ako nag-abala na buksan ang ilaw. The darkness made me comfortable. Invisible.

Nagbihis ako at naghanap ng maiimum sa ref. My throat felt sandy and dry. Inubos ko ang isang bote ng electrolyte drink. I settled myself on the sofa and closed my eyes. Buong araw akong tulog pero nanghihina pa rin ang katawan ko.

Sighing deeply, I opened my eyes and reached for my phone. I dialed Claire's number. After a few rings, she answered. Maingay ang background sa kabilang linya. Kumunot ang noo ko.

"Hey, Kate," bungad niya sa akin. May masayang hiyawan akong narining. Nasaan ang babaeng ito?

"Hi, nasaan ka ba? Are you in a bar?" taas-kilay kong tanong. Hindi man niya ako nakikita ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili na magtaas ng kilay. Claire is not a bar person. Ayaw na ayaw nito ang ingay ng bar, hindi katulad ko na suki na yata lahat ng mga bar.

"Uhmm, yeah?" Parang may pag-aalinlangan sa boses niya.

"Ba't patanong iyong sagot mo? Girl, kasama mo naman si papa Seb, no? Nadiligan ka na naman? Sige lang, ipagpatuloy mo 'yan," tudyo ko.

"Kate nga!" she shouted on the other line.

I laughed at her reaction.

"Sus, nahiya ka pa? Kung nasarapan ka naman, go lang. Masama ang tumanggi sa biyaya, girl. I-subo mo lang lahat." I burst into laughter when she whined from the other line. Siguradong namumula na naman iyon ngayon.

Napailing ako. "Anyway, I called you because I don't think I can go to the shop tomorrow. May appointment ako sa denstist bukas. Pero susubukan ko pa rin pumunta sa hapon," I informed her. I can't go to the shop looking like this. Sigurado naman na hindi pa mawawala ang pamumula ng balat ko bukas. And I had other plans for tonight, kaya imposibleng makakapunta ako.

"It's okay, Kate. You need a break, too. Huwag kang mag-alala, I candle the shop naman alone." she said sweetly.

Napangiti ako. The ever so sweet Claire dela Fuerte. Isa siya sa mga mahahalagang tao na naging dahilan kong bakit tumatayo pa rin ako araw-araw. Kahit na palagi kong ginigisa iyon ay ngingiti lang siya. She didn't judge me for my actions and my rude mouth.

Because she doesn't know how dirty you are. She'll definitely be disgusted if she knows your secrets.

Hindi ko pinansin ang isang bahagi ng utak na tila nanunya.

"Thank you, Claire. Sige na, e-enjoy mo na si Sebastian d'yan. Bye."

Initsa ko ang cellphone sa sofa at ipinikit muli ang mga mata. It's still early but I'll hit the club later. I need alcohol to calm my nerves.