浪漫主义

Chapter 1

[1]

Do you believe in love at first sight?

[2]

The first time I saw Connor, that was exactly how I felt.

[3]

I carefully catered to him, maintaining his pride with my lowliness, as fervent and false as the artificial smile of a waitress.

[4]

Until one day, I was utterly exhausted and chose to let go.

[5]

I met someone else when my life was in chaos.

[6]

"So,

[7]

here I am."

[8]

To be honest, he stirred my desires.

[9]

He had long seen through my games, knowing I was greedy, selfish, and prone to avoidance, yet he still held my hand.

[10]

Firmly, as always, he kept me close.

[11]

I received a barrage of messages from Connor, but they no longer concerned me.

[12]

1

[13]

I suppose I have a strong capacity for endurance and emotional self-regulation.

[14]

During the time I was Connor's girlfriend, I tried to dissolve my negative emotions on my own, without confiding or disturbing him.

[15]

I even attempted to act coy, hoping he'd comfort me, just a little.

[16]

But he looked at me with great embarrassment and said, "I really don't know how to comfort you."

[17]

All those tricks to console girls are what jerks do,

[18]

and I don't want to be like them."

[19]

Back then, I thought it was normal for a straightforward guy not to know how to comfort girls. I could teach him slowly.

[20]

The boy I liked would love me in his own way.

[21]

Love's blindness made me overlook the obvious flaw in his logic.

[22]

Until now.

[23]

Last night, in the dead of night, around dawn, a sharp pain in my lower abdomen jolted me from an already restless sleep, shocking my nerves.

[24]

Menstrual cramps.

[25]

I was drenched in cold sweat, curled up under the covers in the sweltering heat, eyes tightly shut, hoping that I could get through it by enduring the pain.

[26]

The relentless pain numbed my reason, and this time the cramps seemed more intense than ever.

[27]

I forced myself to get out of bed, careful not to wake my roommate, and groped in the dark for ibuprofen.

[28]

It should be fine now.

[29]

I reassured myself.

[30]

But the pain didn't subside with the medication. Instead, I felt a churn in my stomach.

[31]

In a daze, I remembered the doctor's advice: it's best not to take painkillers on an empty stomach and to take them half an hour before the cramps start...

[32]

The sound of my retching in the bathroom woke my roommate.

[33]

She turned on the light just as I was coming out.

[34]

She was so startled by my appearance that she almost called 911,

[35]

"Oh my God, your lips are so pale."

[36]

She handed me a cup of water and stayed with me until the pain gradually faded.

[37]

When I woke up the next day, for a moment, I felt reborn.

[38]

I hesitated for a long time, still wanting to tell Connor about it.

[39]

He was very busy with work and didn't like to be disturbed, so I didn't dare call him. Instead, I chose to send a message.

[40]

I really felt a bit uncomfortable and wanted even a little comfort.

[41]

It was almost sunset when he finally replied.

[42]

"So what

[43]

are you going to do?"

[44]

"Go

[45]

to the hospital."

[46]

When I saw the message, there weren't too many ripples in my heart.

[47]

We were a thousand kilometers apart, and I knew that distance made any expression of concern feel hollow and ineffective.

[48]

As a new-century independent woman, I shouldn't be so fragile.

[49]

But, he never,

[50]

never seemed to comfort me or console me much.

[51]

I never succeeded in teaching him any of this.

[52]

Compelled by some unseen force, I scrolled up through our chat history, tracing back to before we were together.

[53]

Whether it was before we were together, before the distance, or now, it was always me tirelessly sharing my life, like a relentless chatterbox.

[54]

And he was always so indifferent.

[55]

I didn't feel particularly wronged; I just felt calm and empty.

[56]

No feelings at all.

[57]

2

[58]

I still occasionally think of Connor, even though we've been broken up for almost half a year, and I've met Jerred.

[59]

Our meeting was full of coincidences.

[60]

The same surname, the same college, both facing the pressure of graduation.

[61]

"The Little Prince and Harry Potter, both things I like."

[62]

He sent this message just after verifying me on Whatsapp.

[63]

My Whatsapp background was The Little Prince, and my profile picture was Harry Potter.

[64]

But our coincidences didn't stop there.

[65]

He said he had seen me before.

[66]

We both befriended the same campus cat, watching it grow from a kitten to a chubby cat. We both couldn't handle spicy food, tearing up at the slightest hint, yet we loved challenging our taste buds. We both adored pastries and tomato scrambled eggs, while avoiding a pungent herb often avoided for its strong fishy smell, thinking its smell was beyond what a plant should emit...

[67]

Yet, we hadn't known each other before.

[68]

It was a bit special.

[69]

"You can call me for a meal."

[70]

He said.

[71]

I hesitated for a moment

[72]

and replied, "Sure."

[73]

It's rare to meet someone so similar to oneself.

[74]

"There's a

[75]

jam session tonight."

[76]

I was puzzled,

[77]

"Huh?"

[78]

"We're the ones

[79]

who get yelled at for singing on the field every day."

[80]

I remembered.

[81]

There used to be always a large number of people carrying guitars and other equipment singing on the playground, which attracted a big crowd of onlookers.

[82]

I often heard their songs while wandering the field for inspiration,

[83]

curious but never approaching.

[84]

"Do you

[85]

want to come and listen?"

[86]

When I arrived, there weren't many people.

[87]

He was already standing on the lawn in the center of the field, holding a guitar, standing in front of the microphone.

[88]

His voice was gentle, like a prose poem.

[89]

That day, I wore a burgundy schoolgirl-style outfit, shivering in the evening breeze on the field.

[90]

I didn't dare get too close, sitting cross-legged not far away.

[91]

He seemed to notice me, slightly turning his face.

[92]

In the dim light, I couldn't see clearly.

[93]

Next to him sat another person, probably his friend, adjusting the equipment.

[94]

"I see you."

[95]

He handed the microphone and guitar to his friend and sent me a message.

[96]

"The one

[97]

in the white hoodie is me."

[98]

He jogged over to me, wearing a white hoodie and jeans.

[99]

As he got closer, I could finally see his face,round glasses framing round, droopy puppy eyes filled with laughter; his slightly protruding and upturned lips were full, like a rabbit's.

[100]

A bit cute, the kind of look I liked.

[101]

We sat cross - legged on the lawn, with him beside me, in the direction of the wind.

[102]

"Let me shield you from the wind,"

[103]

he said with a smile.

[104]

It wasn't really that cold.

[105]

I quietly turned my head to observe this boy who shared so many similarities with me.

[106]

The field's floodlights weren't on, and the dim light slightly illuminated his profile, his prominent nose cutting through the light and shadow like a mountain range, making his eyes as clear as a mountain spring.

[107]

He seemed to sense my gaze, still smiling.

[108]

I quickly lowered my head, trying to hide my embarrassment.

[109]

Just then, his friend finished singing and called him over.

[110]

"I will sing sitting down."

[111]

He took the guitar his friend handed him and looked up at me,

[112]

"What type of songs do you like?"

[113]

I shyly told him I had been listening to rap and instrumental music lately, with the occasional R&B song.

[114]

He sighed helplessly, "R&B, huh...

[115]

You're

[116]

making it hard for me."

[117]

He held the guitar, slightly lowering his head, the fringe of his hair resting on his glasses frame, his focus visible through the lenses, and the melody from his hands was unfamiliar yet captivating.

[118]

Watching this scene, I felt a bit dazed.

[119]

Connor could play the guitar too.

[120]

I remembered him mentioning it in passing during a chat.

[121]

I knew nothing about musical instruments and wasn't particularly interested.

[122]

When I heard Connor could play, I shamelessly pestered him, saying I liked the guitar and wanted to hear him play.

[123]

He refused, without hesitation.

[124]

3

[125]

I broke up with Connor last fall, a month after my birthday.

[126]

The dry wind swept through the campus, lifting fallen leaves and unshakable dust, leaving it empty.

[127]

My roommate Elaine asked me about the reason for the breakup.

[128]

She could hardly believe that I was the one who proposed to break up. She always suspected that I had acted on impulse and would stupidly turn around and run to get back together.

[129]

Why did we break up?

[130]

I couldn't quite articulate it myself.

[131]

Perhaps it was because of the birthday gift.

[132]

I loved chocolate and milk tea, willing to travel across town and wait hours just for a cup of my favorite milk tea, even making a special trip to Kochuicor just to drink Boba Guys.

[133]

Connor still remembered these things.

[134]

Every birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day, he would give me a box of chocolates.

[135]

I thought I must have repeatedly mentioned my mango allergy, but that didn't stop me from receiving mango-flavored chocolates on my birthday, despite my known allergy.

[136]

At least he remembered to prepare a gift.

[137]

Can I comfort myself with that?

[138]

When I saw the gift, I was calm, neither crying nor making a scene. I was never used to crying or making a fuss, because he didn't like it.

[139]

I just sent him a message, still in shock and confusion,

[140]

stating the fact: "I'm allergic to mango."

[141]

Then he apologized,

[142]

"I'm sorry."

[143]

It was a natural and ordinary process, and once it was over, the matter was concluded.

[144]

Our conversation seemed as insignificant as saying "Good morning."

[145]

In the month that followed, silence spread between us.

[146]

I'm a compulsive talker, fond of taking photos, sharing them, and writing all sorts of non-mainstream sentimental phrases and essays.

[147]

Whenever I saw an absurd meme on social media, my first reaction was to save it and send it to him.

[148]

But at some point, maybe not a specific moment, my desire to share vanished.

[149]

I stopped messaging him, and he didn't reach out to me either.

[150]

Elaine noticed something was off about me. Without hesitation, she assumed it was my relationship that was troubling me.

[151]

It was only when she mentioned it that I realized we hadn't really communicated for a month.

[152]

A whole month, how could it have been that long?

[153]

I used to go crazy with worry if he didn't reply to my messages for more than half a day.

[154]

Every time we argued, I would toss and turn, sleepless until the middle of the night, and eventually, I would be the one to give in and reach out to him.

[155]

"Can't you

[156]

just comfort me a little?"

[157]

I couldn't hold back anymore during one of our video calls, tears welling up in my eyes as I pleaded.

[158]

What was his response?

[159]

He said he was sorry.

[160]

He said he really didn't know how to comfort people.

[161]

He asked why I had so many demands that he could never meet.

[162]

Gradually, I became worn down, my heart devoid of any emotion.

[163]

So, naturally, I suggested we break up.

[164]

"Let's break up."

[165]

I sent.

[166]

Simple words.

[167]

From typing them to sending them, everything was incredibly straightforward and easy, as if I were just saying good morning.

[168]

My mind told me I was indeed breaking up,

[169]

yet I didn't feel the heart-wrenching pain I had anticipated.

[170]

I was just... very calm.

[171]

He agreed.

[172]

Perhaps this was what he wanted too?

[173]

Elaine sighed with relief when she heard about the breakup and suggested treating me to a lavish meal to experience the affluent lifestyle.

[174]

With delicious food in front and a beauty beside us, damn the worries.

[175]

Looking at a table full of delicious food that we seldom eat usually, we ate with great joy.

[176]

"Is it really over?"

[177]

she asked hesitantly after a satisfying burp

[178]

, her eyes filled with concern and sympathy, like needles pricking my heart.

[179]

"I'm sorry..."

[180]

I apologized instinctively,

[181]

"It's over."

[182]

I truly believed that things between Connor and me were over, and I hadn't contacted him since.

[183]

November, an early winter morning.

[184]

Reluctantly, I reached out from under the covers to grab my vibrating phone and saw a message from Connor.

[185]

He said that he would come to see me, traversing a distance of a thousand kilometers.

[186]

4

[187]

A new Indian Curry restaurant had opened on campus, and Jerred and I decided to check it out.

[188]

I must say, he's a real rookie with spicy food, tears and snot streaming down his face, going through tissues like a paper-eating monster.

[189]

"What are we doing this afternoon?"

[190]

he turned to ask me.

[191]

I thought we'd head back to our dorms for a nap after eating.

[192]

I was momentarily stunned, unable to think of anything to do.

[193]

After all, I'm a homebody, spending most of my time in the dorm.

[194]

"You like badminton, right?

[195]

How about we play badminton?"

[196]

he suggested.

[197]

"Sure."

[198]

I was a bit surprised he remembered my hobby.

[199]

I picked up my phone to estimate the time and book a court, "It's almost one now...

[200]

We shouldn't do intense exercise within half an hour after eating,

[201]

so let's book the court from two to three, okay?"

[202]

He agreed with a smile,

[203]

"Perfect!"

[204]

My previous badminton partner was my senior, much taller than me, making it quite challenging to return his shots.

[205]

Perhaps it's not polite to say, but many guys are sensitive about their height.

[206]

Jerred isn't very tall, making him the perfect partner for me.

[207]

His fluffy hair bounced with his movements, and his round eyes under his bangs were moist, like a large puppy.

[208]

It was clear he wasn't the athletic type.

[209]

After about twenty minutes, he was visibly tired.

[210]

"Tired?"

[211]

I walked over and leaned on the net, asking loudly.

[212]

He smiled sheepishly and nodded.

[213]

"Want to take a break?"

[214]

I said.

[215]

Hearing my suggestion, his eyes lit up, and he ran to the nearby seats.

[216]

He collapsed onto a seat, his stomach slightly bulging, forming a round, smooth belly.

[217]

Noticing my gaze, he patted his belly and made a "boing~" sound effect.

[218]

"That's what happens when you love food,"

[219]

he explained.

[220]

I often visited cat cafes, leaving my mark on almost every cat cafe near the school.

[221]

Last time I searched and found a Shiba Inu cafe. I'm really curious about it and plan to make it our next outing project.

[222]

I could sense Jerred wanted to get closer to me; otherwise, he wouldn't have asked what to do after lunch.

[223]

The conversation shifted to an unavoidable topic.

[224]

He avoided my gaze, his voice low and slow, "Have you been in a relationship before?"

[225]

"I've been in love twice."

[226]

I replied honestly, following the principle of reciprocity,

[227]

I threw the question back at him,

[228]

"What about you?"

[229]

"No. Well...

[230]

not really, though.

[231]

I had an online relationship once."

[232]

"Online?"

[233]

I was quite surprised.

[234]

"Yeah.

[235]

We chatted well online, but after meeting, we lost contact. Even when I reached out, she didn't respond.

[236]

Maybe she wasn't satisfied with me,"

[237]

he explained slowly.

[238]

His speech was always slow, his voice clear, filled with an innocent boyishness.

[239]

"Can I ask why you broke up?"

[240]

he asked cautiously.

[241]

I wasn't offended by the question, so I responded calmly,

[242]

"Sure, I'll explain slowly."

[243]

I'm not sure if I've truly moved on; perhaps time has quietly smoothed over the past.

[244]

Mentioning Connor again, I felt no emotional stir.

[245]

Even when he came to see me last November, I remained very calm.

[246]

Calm as if I were seeing an old friend

[247]

I once knew but was now unfamiliar with.

[248]

"He was very gentle, but so gentle that...

[249]

how should I put it, he seemed too gentle, always avoiding me,

[250]

never solving our problems."

[251]

I still remember how Connor looked when we first met, how he shared an umbrella with me in the drizzling rain in early spring, and how he carefully dried my hair.

[252]

His gentleness was what initially attracted me.

[253]

Elegant and refined in manner, gentle and introverted.

[254]

But in the end, it was this very gentleness that disappointed me.

[255]

I wanted to be considerate, as complaining about an ex is somewhat impolite, but I couldn't help but use that word.

[256]

"He was a bit...

[257]

cowardly."

[258]

I concluded.

[259]

He never directly addressed the friction between us, ignored my anxiety and lack of security, and all my efforts felt like shouting into the void.

[260]

The long distance only exacerbated everything.

[261]

I once loved him with such despair and depth until all my emotions were exhausted.

[262]

His indifference forced me into a state of numbness.

[263]

When we met last November, I instinctively resisted his approach.

[264]

Connor seemed calm too. He didn't explicitly state his intentions,

[265]

only saying, "Walk with me one last time."

[266]

I could never refuse him, and before I realized it, my body had already nodded.

[267]

On the way, he seemed to say something, but I didn't listen closely.

[268]

In a daze, I thought we had returned to the past, but I knew we could never go back.

[269]

When he finally walked me to the dormitory,

[270]

I turned to leave without looking back, but he suddenly called my name, "Karlee."

[271]

I turned back in surprise.

[272]

"What are you thinking?"

[273]

he asked, looking lost, "I thought this time, like before, if I came to find you,

[274]

you'd continue to be with me..."

[275]

He spoke as if it were a given.

[276]

I felt offended by his attitude.

[277]

"I see you now as an old friend, familiar but distant, with no feelings left,"

[278]

I replied calmly and restrained, trying not to say anything harsh.

[279]

His lips moved as if he wanted to argue further.

[280]

Fearing he might say something to upset me,

[281]

I spoke first, "I'm going back."

[282]

It was a bit chilly in November. I had just walked most of the way around the campus with him, and I was really tired.

[283]

I succinctly recounted my two college relationships, from freshman year to senior year, only mentioning how we met and why we parted.

[284]

The focus, of course, was on the second relationship.

[285]

Jerred listened and quietly breathed a sigh of relief,

[286]

muttering softly, "At least I don't have that problem."