Sailors song

ELLE'S POV

Oh

won't you kiss me on the mouth and love me like a sailor?

And

when you get a taste, can you tell me what's my flavor?

I

don't believe in God, but I believe that you're my savior

I smiled as I caught myself humming to

'Gigi Perez', the song always felt like home and I could always relate to it.

It always felt like Gigi meant to write the song just for me. I wasn't ready to

come out yet and never really believed in labels, but when she kisses me that

whole belief somehow disappears. I would always find myself wanting to kiss her

in front of a crowd, so everyone would know she was mine and those desperate

guys would back off, but like a coward I always end up introducing her as just

a friend. 'But friends don't look at each

other like that Elle, friends don't do that Elle' I know that and you

should to, I mean...you're me. I wanted her to know everything about me, to love

everything about me, to accept everything about me and in a way, she did. She

was patient enough not to out me or announce our relationship. 'Well, it's not really a relationship, more

like two friends fucking' again my stupid mind was right. I guess the only

part I couldn't relate to was not believing in God, because I do believe. He's

been so good to me and no matter what some stuck up 'Christians' say, God

doesn't hate gay people that sometimes make me laugh. But sometimes I do fear

that I might actually be sinning but then I also have a lot of questions. She

didn't believe in God though, never really believed in anything, she

just...lived. A smile crept on my lips as she walked in, she smiled back waving

childishly as she came towards my table.

RACHEL'S

POV

I saw

her in the rightest way

Looking

like Anne Hathaway

Laughing

when she hit her pen

And

coughed, and coughed

And

then she came up to my knees begging,

'Baby,

would you please do the things you said you'd do to me, to me?

Elle's favorite song, I never understood

why she liked it, it felt depressing. Maybe because deep down I related to it,

maybe because it just wasn't my taste, who knows? I loved Elle, but she wasn't

ready and I wasn't ready to wait on a confused straight girl. I had to end

this, each time I tried in the past, I couldn't bring myself to do it, 'coward' I called myself as I had this

mental battle, fun fact, I lost. I stopped the music as I turned off the car. I

still had time to cancel, I could go back right now and maybe move away, maybe

Australia, 'coward' I just couldn't

take a break. I went in and here she was, cute smile and all, I smiled back and

waved, 'dumb move, a wave? Seriously?' I

walked towards her hoping that this little "date" would go well.

ELLE'S POV

Rachel seemed uneasy, I watched as she took

a sip of the now cold coffee, she didn't even flinch and she hated cold coffee.

"Order anything, I'm paying" she said her

eyes betraying her

"Are you okay?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

She played with her ring, she only did that

when she had a lot on her mind

"Are you okay?" I asked again

She looked at me her eyes surrendering, she

reached for my hand and took it, letting out a sigh she finally said "I think

it's time we end this"

My heart sank, I could feel the room spin,

I didn't understand, we seemed fine. I let go of her hand and looked her in the

eyes, swallowing the stone like spit that choked me "I don't understand"

She reached for my hand again, this time I

pulled away. She shut her eyes as if taking in the energy of the room

"Look Elle, I love you, you know I do.

But..."

"If you truly loved me you wouldn't end this,

you wouldn't end us"

"Elle you have to understand, this

relationship is draining, and it's suffocating. We can't tell anyone we're together,

we can't do anything together. Heck, we can't even hold hands because every

sound, every person, every car scares you. You keep hiding us when you don't

have to"

"You know how my family is, with their

religion and all, I thought you understood"

"I do, I mean I tried to, but I don't even

see you that often and when we're together, we still have to pretend. You told

my friends that I was your cousin and made me promise not to tell them our relationship"

"I couldn't take any chances"

"That's a lame excuse and you know it, the

friends you met were part of the community and allies, even the Christian ones.

If you aren't ready to tell your parents about us now, you'd never be ready and

then I would have to watch you get married to a man you don't love and be

miserable forever"

"I need to wait for the right time"

"That's the problem, there is no right time

and I'm sorry if I can't wait any longer. I promise not to out you to anyone

though. Just do that yourself, when you're ready maybe then you'd find the

right person to be bold for"

"Rachel you're being mean, I love you but

we're governed by certain rules and..."

"Rules? Why do we need rules just to love?

Is it that wrong to love someone to the fullest?"

I stared at her, she had always been

understanding, I didn't know what to say, I felt pathetic, a coward, I wanted

to hold her back but I was too scared to touch her, I didn't want to betray my

family.

"One last time Elle, would you tell your

parents about us?"

"I'm sorry" I choked, that's all I could

say. I was scared of letting her go but I didn't want my parents to let me go

either

"Do you love me?"

She asked her eyes begging me to choose

her, I could tell this was her last try before she gave up, but I couldn't

bring myself to say anything

"Do you know the worst thing? She choked....

It's dedicating your love and dreams to someone with extreme religious guilt.

It's scary because she says everything is fine while secretly praying the gay

away knowing damn well He wouldn't answer. If you're so sure your God doesn't

make mistakes, then how is this a mistake?"

I watched as she walked out, warm tears

finally spilling as the door closed behind her.

RACHEL'S POV

"If you're so sure that your God doesn't

make a mistake, the how is this a mistake?" I asked. I watched as she stared at

me, distant, as if realizing her guilt pledging her allegiance to her religion,

a religion that betrays her being. I nodded, coming to my own realization, she

was gone.

I turned back, walking out my heart aching

and begging her to call me back, to fight for our love, to choose me, but deep

down I knew I couldn't compete with her religion, her God. I sighed 'you lost

again' my awfully accurate mind reminded me.